My Tenderness is needed
Vulnerability feels interwoven with my relationship to water; my emotional body. The water in my being feels hard to translate into words. She moves in imagery, felt senses, poetry, tenderness. I feel the history of the waters; the burdens and blessings passed down the river from my ancestors, the dams I created in childhood when I felt ashamed to truly be in pleasure and feeling, the out of control floods of my twenties when I could no longer hold back.
These stories living within the sturdy glittering banks and waters of new ways of being. I feel the importance of my tender heart; these deep emotions no longer need to be blocked or challenged, my tears are watering important seeds. I am so grateful for my sweet emotions, for my pleasure, for my ability to embrace change with more grace and flow.
I feel my waters and pathways continuing to grow and expand, I am excited to see how my ocean continues to evolve. I know having my emotions witnessed, to reclaim my pleasure and sensuality, to be a way-shower, a mermaid guide for water is the work I came here to do. I invite these mantras “my vulnerability is my power” "It is safe to feel." "I deserve to know my deepest realms of pleasure." I have come so far in the past 6 years with water and I am so deeply grateful to continue to release layers of shame each day.
As I explore my access to vulnerability, I found my mind wanting to interject and control my dialogue and exploration of water. The mind didn't want to go to deep--The mind wanted to stay surface level and avoid dredging up and sediments of struggles. I had to assure the mind that it was safe to relinquish control, and from here was able to express more freely.
As a child I felt the calls, pressures, shame and fears of those close to me as if they were my own. That was very confusing and muddied my own waters. As a child my truth, pleasure and creativity felt questioned and judged to the point where I shut down my magical, emotional, vulnerable and intuitive self quite a bit to cater to making others feel safe.
What I do know is I choose to reclaim, clarify and tend to my waters without needing outside validation or resolve. In my twenties, I chose co-dependency as a form of self medicating because enmeshment felt familiar and like an easy place to run to. After the dissolution of very toxic 10 year trauma bonded marriage, I realized that the medicine I needed was not in another partner. For the first time I prioritized my own pleasure, my creativity and my emotions.
Things that help bring my water/vulnerability to the surface-
- Ecstatic dance, allowing myself to move in a way that feels like a prayer to my body. Dropping into dance as a ceremony of self-love and emotional release.
- Tantra and sacred sexuality- with or without a partner finding safe places to explore the deeper realms of pleasure both sexual and non sexual. Allowing myself to truly feel, on a cellular level.
- De-armoring practices, allowing myself to put down heavy armor that no longer serves and be with softness and vulnerability.
- Sensory play- tasting, touching, smelling, hearing. There is so much pleasure and aliveness in the subtle energies.
- Clearing and releasing in and with the water. Giving my emotions to the water and letting the water move them through. I live by the river and I give to her regularly, whether it's tears, gratitude, tea, or heaviness I wish to shed.. She helps me clarify.
- Attending to the heart and the womb. In order to feel safe and connected to pleasure and expressing emotions both of these places must feel heard and cared for. I allow my heart to sing with the birds, express her kindness and compassion. I enjoy womb ceremonies, envisioning her as a sacred temple or an entire universe and allowing her energy to move and feel deeply appreciated.
- Honoring the flow of nature, visiting the ocean.
- Allowing my tenderness to be witnessed-- If tears rise up in gratitude or sorrow allowing them to be seen rather than stuffing them away.
- Nourishment over restriction-- The more I limit myself on what I can and can not have, the more I feel an intense addictive call to them. Instead of restricting myself, allowing myself to indulge in things that bring me joy or pleasure and accessing the appropriate dosage by checking in with my body. "Is this what I truly want in this moment, or is there a need underneath that I might be able to attend to in a different way." "Does this still feel good, or am I done?" I find allowing myself space to explore the calls to different pleasures to be more helpful than blocking.
There is a mysterious water offering I am meant to share with the world. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I do know that my own water evolution/healing will guide me there.
With love, Ariel
Practice: The Wellspring Within
Purpose: To gently open oneself to vulnerability, acknowledging its strength and connection to our deepest selves.
Materials:
A bowl of fresh, clean water (consider adding a few drops of essential oil like lavender or chamomile for calming, if desired)
A local herbal smoke cleanse like lavender, cedar, mugwort or rosemary (optional)
A candle (optional, for creating a sacred atmosphere)
A quiet space where you won't be disturbed
Preparation:
Cleanse the Space: Briefly tidy your chosen space. You can light the candle if using it. Work with a smoke cleanse to purify the room, this helps create a sense of intention.
Prepare the Water: Fill the bowl with water. Hold it in your hands for a moment, feeling its temperature and weight. Consider the symbolism of water: fluidity, adaptability, cleansing, and connection to emotions.
The Ritual:
Grounding: Sit comfortably near the bowl of water. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Feel your feet on the ground, grounding you to the present moment. Call in your guides and support.
Invocation (Optional): If you feel called to, you can say a simple invocation, such as: "I call upon the element of water with deep gratitude, to guide me towards vulnerability, to embrace my authentic self."
Gazing and Reflection: Open your eyes and gently gaze into the water. Notice its surface, its reflections, and its stillness. As you gaze, reflect on the following questions:
What does vulnerability mean to me?
What am I afraid of showing to others or even to myself?
What emotions am I currently holding back?
Where in my body do I feel these emotions?
Symbolic Washing: Now, gently dip your fingers into the water. As you do so, visualize the water washing away any barriers or resistance you have towards vulnerability. Imagine it cleansing away fear, judgment, or past hurts. Feel the coolness of the water on your skin as a physical reminder of this cleansing.
Affirmation: With your fingers still slightly damp, place your hands over your heart. Say an affirmation aloud or to yourself, such as:
"I am safe to be vulnerable."
"I embrace my authentic self with compassion."
"My vulnerability is a source of strength and connection."
"I allow myself to feel my emotions fully."
Integration: Spend a few more minutes quietly reflecting on your experience. Feel the sensations in your body and notice any shifts in your emotional state. Know that vulnerability is not weakness, but a courageous act of self-acceptance.
Closing: Thank your support team and the element of water for its guidance and support. If you used a candle, extinguish it mindfully. You can pour the water outside onto the earth, returning it to its source.
After the Ritual:
Journal, create art, or write poetry about your experience. Note any insights, emotions, or sensations that arose during the ritual.
Practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself as you continue to explore your vulnerability.
Remember that vulnerability is a process, not a destination. It's okay to take small steps and to honor your own pace.
Variations:
Bath Ritual: You can adapt this ritual for a bath. Add essential oils, salts, or flowers to the water. Soak in the tub while reflecting on the questions and repeating the affirmations.
Nature Ritual: If possible, perform this ritual near a natural body of water, such as a lake, river, or ocean. The presence of nature can amplify the experience.
This ritual is a guide; feel free to adapt it to suit your own needs and preferences. The most important aspect is to approach it with an open heart and a willingness to explore your inner landscape.